Its not paranoia if they are actually out to get you.

It might have been obvious, but let me get this out in the open. I'm a physician. As a part of my education, I learned the basics of many core areas of the practice of medicine, including psychiatry. The basics for psychiatry entails making either of the following statements with some degree of certainty. 1. "This guy is crazy," or 2. "This guy is really crazy." (I know your mother told you it was impolite to call someone crazy. Just tell her you heard it from a real doctor, so it's OK.) I am able to make these definitive statements because I spent 30 days with some really crazy folks in a lock down unit with some psychiatrists. We spent time talking to these people, asking about their mothers and how they feel about their genitals and other very important things.

A common problem was the fear that other people, aliens or garden vegetables were out to get them. While it may seem obvious, our first job was to make sure that there weren't actually other people, aliens or garden vegetables trying to get them. So, here is the point. I am sure that there are people smoking cigarettes and sipping bourbon while sitting around a dark, cherrywood club room discussing the best way to get me. I believe I have discovered their method and let me tell you about it so they won't get you.

Everywhere I have lived in my life, there has been a professional league sports franchise that was better than most but never made it all the way. I would root all season long for the team to score the touchdowns, make the baskets, and hit homeruns. And, for most of the season, they did just that. Its as if they considered the quarry and then gave the team just enough success to get me to root for the hometeam. When the regular season transitioned into the playoffs, they made it appear as though the hometeam would go all the way. However, as soon as that thought crossed my mind, the lead withered, the buzzer would sound and my team, heads bowed, would leave the playing surface. I have not figured out how they knew exactly when that thought crossed my mind. They must have a sub-committee working on that very subject.

This year has been no different. The Dallas Mavericks, by virtue of proximity, have become my team. All season long, I have heard sportscasters discuss how this season will be different. This year, wait for it, the Mavericks will go all the way. Going into the playoffs, they had me hooked. When they took out Memphis in four straight, I said to myself, "This doesn't mean anything." When they went up on the Spurs 2-1, I thought, "Well maybe this is different, but they could still blow it." It wasn't until they were up three games to one with three chances to end the series that I made the fatal error. "This is it. This year is different. This year we go all the way!"

I sit here tonight watching game 7. Those bastards from the club room did it all over again. Up by 20 at the half, the Mavericks lost the lead with 32 seconds to go. They build me up every year and then rip out my heart just to show it to me as I fall into the . . . Nevermind. Just won in overtime. Maybe this is the year we go all the way!