Whoever Invented Bumper Stickers Should Be Shot!

Dallas is not known for its efficient transit system. As a result, I spend some time each day staring at the backside of another's vehicle. Now, this is not always a particularly bad experience (Ferrari knew what they were doing when they made transparent engine covers), but more often I find myself reading any of a multitude of bumper stickers.

At first, the messages were amusing and sentimental. I was also proud of the honor student at Washington Elementary or the Cub Scout, and it would intrigue me about how that Dartmouth University graduate ended up in the Mighty Metroplex.

After many days of this amusement, I began to notice a different variety of the Rainbow colored rectangles. The messages were aggressive, biting and frequently advocated activities that I thought were not quite in line with my thoughts. These sessions became more than moments of trite amusement and slaps of political commentary. They became tortuous marathons of repetitive conditioning. Maybe it is natural for two masculine symbols to be connected in a suggestive manner. It's possible that one could be patriotic and undermine the leaders of the country. Maybe I should worship with the local WICCA group. Could it be that Wagner's Meat is actually unbeatable?

One day, I found myself preparing the bumper of my own car to become a tool of the torturer's trade until I was forced out of my trance by a small asian boy wielding a flaming torch (Oops, just watched that movie. There was in fact no asian boy or torch. The trance, though, was indeed induced by an ancient secret society known by all to tear the beating hearts out of its victims before burning their bodies in a volcanic furnace!) Anyway . . . there I was preparing to place a bumper sticker on my car when I was forced out of my stupor.

I realized that my actions would only perpetuate the forced indoctrination of the pubic. While I am an advocate of the Constitution of the United States of America and accept the Bill of Rights as binding (yep, even that pesky 2nd one), these items should not be protected under the first ammendment. As such, the owners of the offending articles should be gathered and sequestered so that their actions cannot pollute the vital humors that we all hold so dear.

PS. Recommend Dr. Strangelove or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Bomb as a great evening of entertainment.